I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
