I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
