All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Randomize
