im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
