Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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