Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
