I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
It's blow job season.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
