Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
