Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
