I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
