I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
