When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
