I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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