when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
