4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I just threw up on my dentist
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I got her a Nickelback box set.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
