Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
