I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
You are a genius and a whore.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
