Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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