pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
