watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
