I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
