im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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