Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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