I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
