Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
