My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
