She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
