I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
