matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I enjoy the company of your penis
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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