how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Someone signed my nipple.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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