On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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