I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Randomize
