party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
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