My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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