when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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