Betty ford says i'm here all night
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
