Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
