Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
