I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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