My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
