Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
