it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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