Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
