those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
