Dude my mom stole all your condoms
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
