i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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