I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
P.S. I can't hear my feet
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
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