the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
