There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
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