If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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