Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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