cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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