She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
