and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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